*This is a blog I wrote on September 14, 2006. I thought I would just post it here, because some of it's themes are still relevant for me now and I sometimes I need a reminder why I'm up here*
Have you ever been in a situation where you began to question the journey you are on in life and then all of a sudden, the answer comes to you? What's amazing about receiving the answer is not that you actually get it, but that it comes to you in such a way that you know in your own heart it is God himself speaking. You then become amazed because your whole life you thought that when God does answer instead of having this angels singing, cloud departing moment; it's just "doink" here it is!!! Well, recently that has happened to me. As most of you know, I have made a very big decision in my life and ever since then, I have been force to really question my own desires that I have for myself and ultimately ask myself, "Is it realistic?" The answer is "YES" it is realistic and "YES" it is possible. So now the question is, "How do I know I'm on the right path?" Simply, because in a matter of two days, it has been confirmed to me and I thought I would share it.
First, let me give some background story on the situation. As most of you know, I am an aspiring Opera singer. I have always wanted to sing my entire life and nothing gives me more satisfaction than doing that with which God has blessed me. However, during my times of trying to achieve my goal I began to self sabotage. Now, one you may be wondering why I put "trying" into bold type and two you may want to know how and why I would self-sabotage? First let's get an understanding of the word "trying." I never use to look at the word "trying" as negative until my little sister Natalie put it in plain explanation for me. You must understand my little sister is truly an inspiration to me, although she may not realize it. One day we were talking and she kept asking me, "Melody, what are you doing to help yourself?" As a response, I would say, "Well, I'm 'trying' to do this or I'm 'trying' to do that." Well, Natalie bluntly stated to me in the simplest of terms that "trying" gets you nowhere because anyone can try, but the successful DO! After she said that, my entire outlook changed. Next topic is the self sabotage. I basically began to self-sabotage by just constantly poisoning my mind with negative thoughts and those negative thoughts literally left me in a state of fear, anxiety, and ultimately the deepest state of depression. I began to realize I had a pattern. The closer I got to success, the quicker I destroyed it. I believe the main reason for me doing this was because with success comes greater responsibility and acknowledgment. That thought alone would just make my body chill with an explosive amount of emotions that I never really felt or want to feel again in my life. Without going into grave detail, I just began to think very dark thoughts and just questioned everything, including my faith. By the recognition of me questioning my faith alone really scared me, because my faith is a big part of who I am, as well as how I define myself. Needless to say, it was a very scary time for me. Then I came home to Huntsville this year for Easter from Kentucky where I was living and the message at church was FORGIVENESS. This really struck me because two months prior to that Jesus was really working on me with the whole forgiveness thing and I was just really not trying to listen. I just wanted to say you know I don't control much in my life, but I can control my feelings and the pain and hurt I feel I own that. I just wasn't really willing to let things go. Then in church on that Friday the Easter play that year was about forgiveness and how God cannot truly bless us or work in our lives until we let the mess go. Not that I didn't know this before, but I began to realize how could I experience all that Jesus is if I'm not willing to let go and sincerely LET GOD!!! Right then at that very moment, I let all of that garbage go and began to forgive as well as ask for forgiveness.
Now that I had this renewed since of faith and zing, I began to feel just a little better about my big decision that I have planned for my life, yet there was some of that same old questioning lurking in the dark. Just in case you didn't know, my big decision is that I'm moving to New York in January to pursue music full time. This is a very scary thing for me, but in my heart I just feel that this is right for me. It's not that I don't think I can do it. I proved I could do anything because I quit a really good job to move to Kentucky for 2 years to get some of the training I need to make this life altering decision. It was there in Kentucky after I helped Lillian a really good friend of mine move to New York. Once I made this decision, I started to do my research and get a plan together. While doing my research, I became very discouraged because New York is very expensive and I just didn't think it would happen. So I decided that I would move home, work, save money, and then be gone!!! Well, in August I moved home and began looking for a job. At this point I don't care where I work or how many jobs I have to work, my plan is to be in New York. This brings us to last week. I began to realize I really need to set a date for me moving to New York. One because I just got tired of people asking me when and two because a date will give me a sense of accountability for myself. This was very hard because I still didn't have a place to stay there and furthermore, I really need to be IN New York to truly get some things done. While stressing about this, Lillian calls me and tells me that her roommate is not renewing her lease and she offers it to me. Well of course I said yes!!! At that moment I was just so thankful, because the housing part has been taken care of. I began to think about this line in a David E. Talbert play The Fabric of a Man, when one of the characters said, "God does not set us up for opportunity to see us fail!" So I was very happy with this news and started telling people it's definite, I'm moving to New York in January. Well, this Monday comes and my cousin Mia (who is my 1 person on here), calls and tells me that I inspired her to follow her dreams and start making positive things change and move in her life. We had a really deep conversation and she was so uplifting to me because Mia is that cousin who is really my best friend and her calling me that day just lifted my spirits to the pinnacle of joy!!! It was through that conversation, that unbeknownst to her renewed my spirit and my confidence in what I am GOING to DO. That same day is Women's Bible Study and we are doing a 10-week session on Beth Moore's "Believing God." We began week two and the main point is BELIEVING GOD IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS. The message was so pure to me and the answers that I was looking for were answered and that's when I had my first conformation that I am heading in the right direction. It was through Matthew 16:19 And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven, that I truly received a blessing. When Beth Moore broke that scripture down to it's grammatical form and the understanding became clear, I literally felt the scales remove from my eyes and just felt a since of peace and assurance. She stated that this scripture is written in the perfect passive participle. If you don't know that means, here are two distinct definitions: The perfect passive participle is the 4th principal part of a transitive verb. Perfect passive participles can usually be translated into English with the -ed ending: dux captus = the captured leader (= the leader having been captured) or The Formation of the Perfect Passive in Latin and English. In Latin, the sense of past tense is included in the participle, not as in English in the form of the verb "to be." That is, Latin says laudatus sum, literally "I am + having been praised" (i.e. "I now exist in a state of having been praised in the past"). Conversely, in English a past tense form of the verb "to be" + the (present) passive participle creates the perfect passive system: I have been + praised. English speakers are innately attuned to hearing the tense of a multi-word verb form in the verb "to be" and so when they hear a present form of "to be," they naturally assume the verb is present. That is, be careful not to make the mistake of misinterpreting laudatus sum as "I am praised," when it is correctly translated as "I have been praised" (because the participle laudatus is perfect in tense). Basically, Jesus is telling us that his blessings are already there stored up in heaven and all we have to do is have the faith and the belief so that we can receive them here on earth. Hebrews 11:6 says, But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. With my spirit so full of the word, I just couldn't do anything but rejoice because in one isolated moment I felt the chains or the bondage of self-doubt and depression start to retreat back to the enemy and from me. When Tuesday came, I was just so overwhelmed with joy because I was getting ready for an interview and I began to speak with one of my mom's friends. I explained to her what happened at the bible study and how I just felt renewed and filled with a peace and understanding that has just changed my entire outlook. She responded by saying, "You know Melody, God put a word on my heart that he wanted me to share with you." She then turned to her bible to Revelations 3:7-9 "And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write, 'Theses things says He who is holy, He who is true, "He who has the key of David, He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens". I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door and no one can shut it; for you have little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name. "Indeed I will make those of the synagogue of Satan, who say they are Jews and are not, but lie-indeed I will make them come and worship before your feet, and to know that I have love you." With that word, I found my second conformation. My spirit at reading the above passage leaped with great freedom and I knew right then that I am ready for the path in which Jesus has laid before me.
Some may be wondering why I am posting this. It is simple. I have been truly blessed with the word this week and I just can't keep it to myself. I know that the path I'm getting ready to take is going to be hard and I might feel like giving up. However, I know where my help lies and I figured out it is not enough to just believe IN God we must instead BELIEVE GOD! Just by taking out the preposition "in" totally changes the way that statement can make you think, feel, and act. I have long said that we are the designer of our own destiny and all we have to do is believe and have faith. But more often than naught, I have not taken my own advice. I am now, and I truly believe that you can be whatever you desire to be in Jesus' name!!! So for anyone going through a change or thinking about a change, know that God is there willing and able and if you only trust him to do what he is going to do then everything will work out for the will of he who is LORD!!!
Stay blessed everyone!
-The Diva
a.k.a. Melody
P.S. The formula for success is opportunity met with preparation!
